I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
My dad just asked me, “if two vegans fight is it still called “a beef?”
There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
WTF
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
