I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
I’m sorry…what?
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
