I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
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Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Hmm 🧐
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt