I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
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Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
I put my pants on just like everybody else: when the police tell me to.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
sensitive skin
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.