I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
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sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
The invention of fish in the early 1900’s was the best thing to ever happen to the tartar sauce industry.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested