I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
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I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
You were the one.
Today I walked out of the baseball complex carrying two Gatorades, a half-eaten snack, a 40oz Stanley and a 4yo, and the 4yo had the audacity to tell me to walk faster.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.