I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
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fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
I triple waxed for this?
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs