I told my wife that I married my best friend and she smiled and kissed me on the forehead. To be honest, I was surprised that she was so cool about being in a polygamous marriage with my best friend Frank.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
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LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
“Whose funeral was this photo taken at?” John, serious tone: “I dunno. Let’s see who’s missing” possible funniest thing john has said
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.