@VioricaMarian1

I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.

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@drinksmcgee

I told my wife that I married my best friend and she smiled and kissed me on the forehead. To be honest, I was surprised that she was so cool about being in a polygamous marriage with my best friend Frank.

@Social_Mime

Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes

@Stella1070

I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.

@pixelatedboat

You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams

@Try2StopME

I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”

@mulva74

Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.

@chrissyteigen

“Whose funeral was this photo taken at?” John, serious tone: “I dunno. Let’s see who’s missing” possible funniest thing john has said

@DrakeGatsby

Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.