I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
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I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.
My partner bought a CD player that we can plug into our car so we can play our CDs and the Amazon listing features the following images. 💀💀💀
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Green is just blue that someone peed in
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop