I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
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Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”
But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
beware of dog
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Two
Three
Four
Tell the people what she wore…
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”