I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
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I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Found this gold ring today in a garden… just to be safe I should go throw it in a fiery mountain. Gonna need 8 nerds to take a little walk with me, who’s in?
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?