I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
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I slept like a baby, knowing I’m a burden to everyone around me
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
I would love to have children one day. Two days maximum
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
App: Would you like us to remember you on this device for next time?
Me: Yes.
App: That would be nice, right? lol.
Me: what…
App: Sign in again.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.