Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hi, it’s me. The guy who was just complaining about it being to warm in November. You might think this would preclude me from *also* complaining about how cold it’s gotten now but I contain multitudes.

Welcome to the stomach

Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read

Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and

Beards are a privilege, not a right

If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.

My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.

You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.

I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.

With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.

Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.

ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal

WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me

“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”

-Bob Ross, Mob Boss

You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.

Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herself

Punctuation, it’s THAT important!

When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.

Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand

Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick

Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?

Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.

Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?

Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.

Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.

Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials

My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.

I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”

[at the hotel california]

me: i’d like to check out

desk clerk: alright, you’re all set

me: great, bye

desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave

me: then why did you let me check out

desk clerk: *shrugs*

SQUARREL

I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.

When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.

The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*

When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.