Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*

What do you call clean German cabbage?

Shower-kraut.

#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police

them: what are you think-

me: FOOD

no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life

You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.

Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do

i will avenge u mr van gogh

My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends

Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage

In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”

Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO

My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.

My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT

I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face

why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta

I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.

If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?

I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)

If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars

Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.

You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.

me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.

host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?

Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!

Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT

This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.

Customer: can I pay with my phone?

Me: no we need dollars

No one :

Me when I swimming :

My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”

[Biologists naming Eels]

b1: ocean sneks

b2: bitey noodles?

b3: what do the dolphins call them again?