I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
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Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
My husband met us at the park and surprised me with a large iced coffee and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I just had a large iced coffee so now I’m vibrating and going to piss myself
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
The Eggorcist
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”