I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
this FaceApp is creepy af
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
