I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
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Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Bruh 😂
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft