I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
You Might Also Like
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Room with a view.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically