I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
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I only say stupid things when I talk.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Me: *all four burners going, two pots boiling over, oven beeping, being burned by grease splatter*
8yo: Mom!! You’re not even watching my cartwheel!
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands