Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.

Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?

Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?

I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It

[sex]

GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out

Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.

[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?

I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.

Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.

Me: what word would you use?

Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before

“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”

I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it

Allow me to play for you the song of my people

*Sound of chip bag opening*

Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.

Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.

My birthstone is a marshmallow.

[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]

I guess it’s time to shave for summer.

Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.

Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?

5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand

Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine

If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.

Him: How’d you get so cute?

Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.

Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?

Daughter: I don’t know.

Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.

[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.

[Genetics Lab]

Me: One designer baby, please

Doctor: It’s not like that, you..

Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions

Doctor: What? No, you can’t…

Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers

Doctor:

Me: I’m gonna call her Claire

My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.

We were definitely meant for each other.

This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.

[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]

HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please

ME: six

*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?

Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.

*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”