I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
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Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Rare photo of two submarines racing
adding to the discourse
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
If you find yourself in a really awkward conversation do what I do; put your pants back on and leave.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Gentle reminder to take a brief moment to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath, and gently stroke your chin to find all the prickly whiskers you missed last time you plucked.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?
Bernadette.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house