I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
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Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
I cannot call her anything else now
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.