Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.

[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen

Day 2 of being Kidnapped.

Kidnappers have now committed suicide.

You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.

I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!

It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.

[first date]

HER: I like classic cars

ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels

Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.

My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer

Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you

How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.

My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.

*gets hit by car

**back cracks

Me: Thank you!

Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.

Woman delivering my pizza:

Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.

*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*

I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.

You know we just joke about being Facebook right?

i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it

Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.

My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁

I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.

At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.

I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.

Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)

Are you having a good day? Or did you wear lip gloss on a windy day?

Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.

[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new

[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]

me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down

[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those

Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.

I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!

They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa