Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
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Me: I do
Me: Or do I?
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Cat knocks over coffee
Cat: (Russian accent) I admit to nothing.