I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
You Might Also Like
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
i want to work in this restaurant
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
happy valentine’s day to me
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”