I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..

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Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.



[My Wedding]

Me: I do

Guests: Awww

Me: Or do I?

Guests: Ooooo


Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.


me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re all dead Linda


My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.


[Amazon marketing emails]

‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*

‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*

‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*


*looks in mirror*

Hmm *—add to basket*


I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.


First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.


Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box


Cat knocks over coffee

Me: well?
Cat: (Russian accent) I admit to nothing.
Jumps down