I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
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My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”
— Mark Twain
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house
Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-