Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad

[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]

7 year old: how does he still have a job?

A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.

[throws salad into a garden]

Go home boy…you’re free now.

Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.

My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.

I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.

Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.

Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified

Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.

I like my coffee like I like my men

Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away

Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…

[Later]

Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food

The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”

Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.

It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.

Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.

people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up

I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…

How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”

Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar

If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.

My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.

she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”

Kid: I want pancakes.

Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.

Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?

Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*

man: wait

time: no

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.

[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*

Hey baby, what’s your name?

“Robert”

you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good

Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.

[first time skydiving]

Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*

Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet

I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.