I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
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If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
I’m a perfektionist, this is expozure therappy
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
you can’t prove that threatening a toilet doesn’t work
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.