Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.

Still not sure why you would need this though.

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend

“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.

sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”

My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth

[1st date]

HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?

ME: OMG SAME

HER: What part’s ur fave?

ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo

I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf

My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.

“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”

I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.

I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.

H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.

I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?

Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.

I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.

*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*

*serves poached eggs*

Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.

[mcdonalds]

me: two marijuanas please

employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru

me: two McMarijuanas please

Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee

There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.

I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit

fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats

If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.

I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.

When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.

corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here

me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out

Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.