I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
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turning my gender off to conserve energy
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
*launders Kohls cash*
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific