I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
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a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Three dinosaurs come across a magic lamp. Out pops a genie who grants them 3 wishes. The first dinosaur wishes for a big hunk of meat. The second wishes for a shower of meat. The third dinosaur not to be outdone wishes for a meatier shower.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late