Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.

~The 2000’s

Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.

Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–

Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!

[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)

Ever since CATS come out things have been way off

Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound

*runs away*

ME: There’s something fishy going on here.

YOU: It’s just an aquarium.

ME: Exactly.

I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game

*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*

me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.

Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…

Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint

Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.

The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.

People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.

Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.

I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught

This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬

A chilling warning for the old people in my village.

Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.

[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]

me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down

I took two years of anger management courses

Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores

My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”

Answers phone, makes modem noises…

So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?

I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.

Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.

Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.

me: I challenge you to a fish fight

them: you mean fist fight?

Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no

Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?

Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!