Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.

Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”

Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot

H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.

Me:

H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.

GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems

TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO

The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.

7-year-old: What’s for dessert?

Me: Eat your dinner first.

7: I need a goal.

My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?

Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it

Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?

Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off

Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?

Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out

…we don’t have cleaners

WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer

*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money

is the cheesecake factory menu on audible bc i’m not reading all that.

Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.

Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me

Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word

I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.

Friend: Does Jesus live in you?

Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.

If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.

I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.

Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want

Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]

My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.

Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.

“Holy infant so tender and mild.”

-cannibals

I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.

Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.

If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”

Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”

“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?

the mother-in-law left yesterday.

this month has been the longest two years of my life.

My 7-year-old wrote this joke:

What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.

I’ve never been more proud.

cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you