I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
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Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Saw your ex at the shops
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down