Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?

Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”

I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.

[inventing the boomerang]

OH SHIT, IT’S BACK

If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.

Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)

The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.

The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.

You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.

[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle

Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!

In the grass..

So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!

[all the children]

Grass??

Yessssss.

Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.

“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”

coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas

Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough

*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*

“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”

Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…

If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.

*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*

Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.

When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.

[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks

Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?

Me: we met at a nickelback conc-

Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder

It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.

Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?

Me: I ordered it battered

Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*

Me: Thanks

Me: Who’s a good boy?

Dog: I thought we settled this.

Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right

Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>

It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney

We have ants and tonight at dinner:

My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?

3yo: I can.

Me: No, humans can’t smell it.

3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.