Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing

I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.

[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*

CHINESE WAITER: what

Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?

I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS

*After a dental appointment*

4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!

If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.

– dads at kids’ basketball games

noooooo don’t hurt yourself

let me do it

[about to go in for emergency surgery]

ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?

We do it every night.
Annoy each other.

More people would get the booster if it came with fries.

Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly

Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by all

Me:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes

It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.

[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder

Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.

I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.

You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.

“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”

Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’

MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea

*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”

Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.

Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.

In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.

My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.

You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.

You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner

Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.

I think we now have enough evidence to know that abolishing billionaires is a public health issue. It’s inhumane to let anyone suffer the brain damage caused by that kind of money