I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
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Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
#MeanwhileInCanada
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos