I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
You Might Also Like
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
umm…
and now we wait
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.