I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
You deplete me
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
