I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
o shit
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
