I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
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[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free