Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”

[Party]

Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody

Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb

meanwhile over on facebook

Today’s assignment:

If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”

Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*

Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:

ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature

CEO: That’s a great idea

ME: Call it ClinkedIn

CEO: Get out!

I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex

[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sex

fibonacci: absolutely not

Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape

Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…

Me: Snacks?

Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.

… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.

jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale

*Weird bird sound in the distance*

4 year old: “what’s that ?”

Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”

4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation

I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”

It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.

[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]

*breaks wind*

Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.

If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.

My kids, writing negative political ads:

Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.

Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.

Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.

My mother is bringing three of her favorite side dishes to dinner: green bean casserole, criticism, and passive aggressive comments

Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again

I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no

Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.

People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it

When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.

I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.

Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.

I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult

Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.