i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
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Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Remember kids, when you get assigned the special kinda illegal project at work – it’s not because you’re on the inner circle – it’s because you’re the expendable fall guy weakling who will misinterpret inclusion to illicit conspiracy as the illusion of respect you crave.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.