i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
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its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
The One that Got Away… a memoir of a french fry lost in a crevice beside the driver’s seat and the aroma that made it impossible to forget.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years