i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
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ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
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Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Who says all the good chemistry jokes argon??
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???