I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
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Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.