I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
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Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Good morning
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Very proud of my HOA community. A Karen took a picture of home & posted it to the community FB group saying she didn’t like the color they painted it & she shouldn’t be forced to look at it, was reporting it to the HOA. Everyone banded together to criticize her & now she’s moving
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.