I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
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Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Vodka burrito was a success
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea