I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
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There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
technically true but not a great slogan
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?