Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.

Me: Who drank all my beer?

Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.

Me: So is that a confession?

The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.

Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though

I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.

This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.

Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”

“911, what is your emergency?”

Yes I can’t hear my television

“Sir, this is not an emer-”

Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door

It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans

If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this

Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho

[therapy]

DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon

ME: No, a fear of clones

DOC: Oh…that seems irrational

OTHER ME: That’s what I said

Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:

1. Stay together forever
2. Break up

No pressure.

Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.

Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?

Me: only twice a year

Them: and how long does it last?

Me: 6 months

Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.

When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.

casting director: whenever you’re ready

me: the name’s bond… james bond

casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns

me: no

My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away

That’s motherhood summed up for you

So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.

Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”

Him: You need to work on your communication skills

Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC

Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*

4 calling birds sounds like a nightmare, I don’t want phone calls from 1 bird, much less 4.

wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*

Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream

I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.

<—- homeless romantic

There are two wolves inside you

webmd: wolf cancer