I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
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If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
best review i’ve ever seen
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
so this horse walks into a bar
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.