Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Intelligence is the new cleavage

Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.

Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted

I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe

Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP

Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:

1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.

YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you

I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.

She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”

Marked safe from having the gene that causes people to maniacally clean their house when they find out that someone is coming over to visit. I cannot say the same is true for my wife.

today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence

After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.

There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.

If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.

THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.

Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.

Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.

I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.

“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “

Them: How long can you hold your breath?

Me: 20 years, apparently.

My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place

Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.

in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times

me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?

3: it smells hot

Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.

Jesus: this is my body

disciples: *eat bread*

Jesus: this is my blood

disciples: *drink wine*

Jesus: I also made brownies

Judas: but I have diabetes

Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame

COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!

ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*

CW: uuhh…

I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.

You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia

Kim – Where is North West?

Kanye – *takes out compass*

Kim – I mean my baby!

Kanye – I’m right here.

Kim – Jesus Kanye!

Kanye – Yeezus*

If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.

The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.