Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”

“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”

I miss dating

The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…

God I hate kids.

And people.

And animals.

And sardines.

And stuff that’s alive.

And stuff that’s dead.

I hate stuff.

I like cheese.

[first day as a microbiologist]

me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this

boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT

My child: Picks cookie with the most icing

Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off

Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make

If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors

Chat: “don’t”

Email: “I do not”

Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”

Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..

(Writing in food journal)

me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.

Her: is it in yet

Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me

I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.

Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”

Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.

I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy

if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine

Lmao 🤣

if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot

The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.

Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.

Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*

The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.

Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS

Netflix should’ve just maybe mailed us all this fight on DVD

Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.

[On the phone with my bookie]

Put it all on Jesus and let it ride

If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper

Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”

you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.

*gets crushed by a bus*

*checks to see if phone is intact*