Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big

Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.

Me: A strained what now?

Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.

“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.

I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer

My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.

Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air

hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer

[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?

OBAMA: How did you get this number?

a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti

Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*

son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”

I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.

Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem

My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.

“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything

ME: [holding my breath]

MY BREATH: This is nice.

I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.

I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas

Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.

ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.

CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh

Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?

Me: yes

Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?

Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.

9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:

sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests

If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂

Receives a compliment

Me: no sorry we don’t do that here

Every day of school:

Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP

5 AM, every weekend:

Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.

my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch

If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami

I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.