I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
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Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
good work, detective
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
I’m not into casual sex. Send me a résumé.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
How I’d get arrested…
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.