Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.

Met a hot girl in the bar.

She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.

I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.

6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”

Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”

6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”

Me: “Wait, what?”

I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.

So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯

I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them

16: I hate old people.

Me: That’s where you and I are different.

16: You like old people?!

Me: No, I hate everybody.

[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son

Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa

Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.

Then I remembered pineapple .

After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.

My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.

Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.

I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.

Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.

“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit

Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.

Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.

I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.

great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog

[first day as a billionaire]

Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero

Billion Dollar Idea:

Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.

Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.

oh sorry i cant im busy that day

I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal

Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.

Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.