I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
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@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Highway cops are so childish. Oh you’re hiding behind a bush in your Ford Escape? Gonna pop out and chase me? Grow up
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
And that about sums it up.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Replace all HR departments with fight clubs
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.