Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂

My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”

I am so proud.

a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!

Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.

I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything

There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.

“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”

Now Genghis, what do I always say?

*Sighs*

“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”

No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.

Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”

Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.

If you need a laugh.. 😅

I just tested negative for patience.

Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you

A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.

My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit

Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job

“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?

Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos

Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy

[before date]

friend: make everything about her

[date]

waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*

me: *to date* this is all your fault

Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?

Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?

If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..

I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?

Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.

“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”

– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.

When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…

*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*

Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.

Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments

My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.

Cashier: the receipt is in the bag

Me: you too

I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread