I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.
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the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Today’s Times
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.
WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?
ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.
HER: Get out.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.