I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.
You Might Also Like
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Netflix and you sit over there.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks