Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown

Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?

[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk

Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.

Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.

Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.

“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”

I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.

Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.

The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.

COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?

ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average

Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.

I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.

Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.

There were no tacos in there. Please send help.

Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.

Husband: *stands up*

Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?

“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”

*Googles my ex’s house*

yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter

I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.

I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”

I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14

Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.

Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?

When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.

what do you want to eat?

what are you in the mood for?

In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’

My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.

Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.

It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication

Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this

Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”