I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
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Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
It’s been six months and I still haven’t received the book I ordered: “How to Scam People”.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello