I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
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‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
She knows her part so well!
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.