I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
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The Wizard of Oz is basically a
movie about two women willing kill each other over a pair of shoes.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
“Why you watching this shit?”
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
“Don’t forget Romans and countrymen!”
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
When I bought a new carpet my dog become a shark
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
this will hang in the louvre one day
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.