I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
You Might Also Like
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.