I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
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I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.