I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
You Might Also Like
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
whenever they do this I can only imagine athletes are telling each other who they have a crush on
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Don’t listen to gmail, little password. You are strong.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…