Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.

I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything

*Meanwhile at a restaurant*

Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?

Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.

*Picks table and walks out*

My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.

A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.

That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.

your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost

FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.

Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.

My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?

Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)

I’m still waiting for the day my parents will say, “It’s all fake, we are millionaires, this was just to teach you to be humble”.

[concert]

lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?

me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!

My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime

I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.

Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.

Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.

Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.

Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”

{Guidance counselor glares at them}

Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*

We really need someone to step up while the boss is away

*stands up*

Someone without ice cream on their shirt

*looks down at shirt*

*sits down*

Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.

INFORMER!!!

Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…

A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!

*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.

Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.

TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here

Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…

What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39

Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars

I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.

Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear

GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations

MOSES: no way

GOD: yahweh

MOSES: ok so what is it

I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.