I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
You Might Also Like
I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
