Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.

When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.

In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection

Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.

15: I smell upsexy.

Me: What the hell is upsexy?

15: Not much. What’s up with you?

If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room

I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear

Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work

Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*

The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die

if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.

one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.

(Entering heaven)

Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?

Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?

interview: problem solving skills?

me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla

Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.

Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power

Kid: my dad?

Priest: haha no, even more powerful

Kid *nodding* mom

I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.

~Psychopaths.

think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem

People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.

Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women

This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.

Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.

SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them

Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.

Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.

Brain: What have we learned?

Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.

Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?

Me: Maybe wear clothes too.

I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.

I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security

Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.

Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”

if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day