I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
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I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use