I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
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Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
a realtor showing you an absolutely unusable space in a house: how cool is that?
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.