I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
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Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out