I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
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What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
never ask a starfish for directions
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah